


Dead is Just Another Way to Be

by WolfenM



Series: The Life After [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Apologia, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Families of Choice, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Multi, Needy Ben Solo, POV Ben Solo, POV Poe Dameron, POV Rey (Star Wars), POV Third Person, Philosophy, Polyamorous Pack, Polyamory, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Pre-Poly, Pre-Threesome, Redeemed Ben Solo, Reunions, Rey Needs A Hug, Soft Ben Solo, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24010099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfenM/pseuds/WolfenM
Summary: Just because Ben has died, doesn't mean life is over -- not for him, and certainly not for Rey.
Relationships: Finn/Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rey, Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo
Series: The Life After [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622794
Comments: 10
Kudos: 8





	Dead is Just Another Way to Be

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Ben Solo / Kylo Ren, Rey Palpatine / Skywalker, Finn, Poe Dameron, Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Anakin Skywalker, Padme Amidala, and BB-8 are all ©/tm Disney / Lucasfilm. This is not an official work, and no profit is being made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's supposed to be a work between this fic and the fic before it, but I'm not finished with that one yet, and I wanted to post something for May the 4th, so ... here we are, LOL! All you need to know about that one is that Poe and Finn are in a casual sexual relationship by this point.
> 
> This fic will stay Rey/Ben, even as it also becomes Rey/Finn/Poe.
> 
> Oh, and I'm kind of doing my own thing, as far as the Jedi afterlife concept is concerned,

R R R  
  
**Immediately after Ben Solo revived Rey, after the final battle against Palpatine.**

Rey had died -- she knew she had. And so, being alive again, and seeing there was only one other person within reach, there was no longer any doubt at all: Kylo Ren was gone, and Ben Solo was back. Sith couldn't Force-heal. Granted, Kylo Ren wasn't quite a Sith, but surely he'd been too Sith-adjacent before, and not enough Jedi, to accomplish such a thing? 

Well, even if he could have, she hadn't needed such a verification, really. She'd seen Kylo Ren dying even as she'd healed Ben on Kef Bir. And when Ben had arrived on Exegol, fighting to reach her side, she could feel, through their bond, that he'd made the choice to return fully to the Light side of the Force. She'd trusted him utterly, knew he would not betray her this time. Knew somehow that he, like she, would not even give into hate, despite how the monster Palpatine (she would _not_ call him grandfather) had tortured him, twisted him, his entire life. 

Ben Solo was a Jedi, and Rey loved him. 

But then, she'd loved him when he was almost a Sith, too -- wasn't sure when she'd fallen for him, and had even been sickened to realise it, but there it was. She'd managed to keep away from him, her head warning her away no matter how much her heart yearned for him. But now, when she looked in his eyes, she no longer saw a wall of hate-fueled fire between them, threatening to burn away the good in her. Now, there was no reason to hold back. 

So she didn't. 

Kissing him felt _right_. It felt like coming home. It felt like _him_ coming home to _her_ , after waiting so long for him to find his way. His smile ... once an expression he once seemed incapable of, it was now brighter than any sun, and it chased away the chill of her recent death. 

Until _he_ died. 

One minute, her cup runneth over, and the next, it was as empty as the robes on the ground. One minute, her cup had been a steel goblet, and the next, brittle glass. Shock and disbelief silenced her a long moment, but when she recovered enough to find her voice, she made sure they could hear her anguish in the farthest reaches of the galaxy -- including, she hoped, wherever the ghosts of the Jedi had gone. 

It wasn't fair. She'd _healed_ Ben, just hours gone! Leia had _died_ to save her son (and to save Rey, yes, but still)! Ben had finally escaped Palpatine's influence and found the light again! Found _Rey_ , brought her back from death! They were finally together, no obstacles, no threats hanging over them ... and that one moment was all they got together? The thanks they got for all they had done? The recompense for all Palpatine had put them through? Hadn't Rey lost enough already? Her parents, Han, Luke, Leia .... 

But then ... _**Have** I lost everything?_ she wondered, thinking suddenly of her friends. Heart racing, the hope of seeing them again -- and the fear that she would not -- gave her the strength to make her way back to the home base of Resistance -- just as Ben had found the strength to return to her. 

Hopefully the reunion with her friends would last longer. 

B B B

For what seemed an eon after the death of his body, Ben barely knew the concept of self, of individuality. The particles of the universe pulled at him, smothered him, and it was all he could do to hold on to his name. It helped that, after a while, he heard someone -- a few someones? -- calling that name. He reached out to the call as if it were a rope (though he didn't know the actual word for rope, nor any other). The call helped him pull himself free from the quicksand of the universe, and with what felt like glacial slowness, his thoughts gradually grew more complex. His focus began to narrow, the source of the call getting more and more defined. And then, he had another word besides his name: 

_Mother._

With that word, her face became crystal clear, smiling radiantly. 

His existence was suddenly a chaos of joy and grief. He would have cried if he had eyes, but he wouldn't have been able to say whether the tears were happy ones or not, even if he had the words. 

"It's okay, Ben, I've got you," his mother soothed. He had the sensation she was holding his hand, even though he didn't actually seem to _have_ any hands at the moment. 

More words came to him. "I'm sorry, Mother! I'm so sorry!" He couldn't quite remember _why_ he was, but the feeling was overpowering. 

"I know, my boy -- I am too. But that's all in the past now." She put her arms around him -- now there was enough of a distinct shape to him for her to hold, and it grew even more defined in her arms. She looked away suddenly, and while she still held him, he could sense her also reaching for another. "Luke, father, I've found him!"

Another presence steadily grew stronger, clearer, more familiar. The identity came to Ben the moment someone reached them. 

"Uncle Luke," Ben greeted hesitantly. 

"Hello, Ben," Luke smiled, looking both loving and sad. 

"I'm sorry," Ben repeated, to Luke now. As Ben's wrongdoings became more defined, he knew 'sorry' wasn't enough -- but at the moment, it was all he had to give. 

"So am I, Ben," Luke replied gently, embracing Ben and Ben's mother. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from Palpatine." 

Ben wanted to protest, but he didn't quite have the words yet. And then, suddenly, there was a third presence with them -- familiar, yet ... not. 

"Hello again, Leia, Luke. Ben, it's nice to finally meet you." 

"Ben, this is your grandfather, Anakin," Ben's mother -- Leia, that was her name! -- explained. 

Anakin. Not ... Vader? No. This was the man his grandfather had _originally_ been -- and now was again? Was that right? 

Yes. Yes it was. Ben suddenly remembered being Kylo Ren. The details were still hazy, but he remembered idolising Vader, the Dark Side of his grandfather Anakin -- and wished he remembered _none_ of it.

"I think we have a lot to talk about," Anakin offered. 

Anakin, too, Ben realised, had fallen for Palpatine's manipulations. If there was anyone in the galaxy -- in all existence -- who understood what Ben was feeling, what it had been like to become the dark version of yourself, and to have a megalomaniac groom you to be his instrument ... it was this man before him. 

Maybe Anakin knew what to do _next?_

"We'll give you two some time alone," Leia offered. 

Suddenly, Ben realised he was standing, not simply floating -- because he felt his legs threaten to give out. "Please, don't go!" he begged. "I just found you!" What if he lost them again, this time forever?? 

"All right, Ben, we'll stay a while longer," she agreed, kissing his brow. 

"Only a while?" Ben hadn't meant to sound so distressed, but there it was. 

"There are some things that are best done alone -- but even so, we'll never be out of reach," Luke promised. "Never again." 

Ben should have relaxed at that, but something still felt wrong. Like someone was missing. 

_Multiple_ someones. 

"Don't worry. It takes a while to get it all back," Luke assured him, as if reading Ben's mind. (Well, maybe he had?) 

Ben suddenly noticed that they were all standing in a giant, endless pool, now, ankle-deep and waveless, save for the ripples of their movement. Stones rose out of the water, and Ben's mother sat on one, patting the space left beside her, Luke and Anakin sitting across from them. 

"Just relax," Anakin advised. "Time doesn't quite exist in this particular place. We can be here as long as you need." 

"Maybe you could go ahead and tell him _your_ story, until he's ready to reflect on his own?" Luke suggested to Anakin. 

"Would that help, son?" Anakin asked. 

Ben wasn't sure 'help' was the right word -- he was filled with trepidation, really -- but Ben knew he _needed _to hear this, and so he nodded.__

____

____

R R R

Rey's reserves abruptly emptied when she achieved her goal, relief at the sight of those she loved making her knees weak; if not for the embrace of her friends, she would have fallen to the ground. She didn't care in the slightest that their grips were crushing, making breathing near-impossible -- it meant they were _there_ , alive to hold and be held. They weren't Jedi, wouldn't kill themselves healing her, and wouldn't turn into empty robes. And with Palpatine and the First Order both defeated, there was no one left to take them from her. 

Maybe now, she could rest? She decided yes, giving in to gravity when the embrace finally ended. 

P P P

"Whoa, steady there," Poe said as he realised Rey was falling, and grabbed her. 

With Finn supporting her on the other side, they helped her to a bench. "Are you hurt?" Finn worried as they began looking her over. 

She looked teary-eyed -- but then, they all did, overwhelmed by the euphoria of victory, and grief over their losses. "I ... I don't even know," she replied numbly. 

"I'll go find a medic," Finn assured her, hurrying off before Poe could offer to do so instead (to let the man stay with this woman he clearly had a thing for ....) 

Struggling to find something to say, Poe ignored his burning curiosity over what exactly had happened to her -- this was not the time for tales of derring-do! While he couldn't see any injuries, she really did not look well at all, like she'd been all but drained of life. Tears calmed, she just sat there now, limply, with a vacant stare. Were they about to lose her, like they had Leia and Snap? He didn't think his heart could take another hit .... 

"Hey. What do you need?" he asked her softly, gently taking her hand in his. 

She suddenly showed signs of life, her face screwing up tight in anguish. "Ben!" she sobbed, doubling over, her fingers crushing Poe's. 

Poe felt a chill come over him, like he'd suddenly been dumped on Hoth. Ben _Solo_? The same Ben who'd tried to kill them all on _multiple occasions?_ She was grieving _him_? Not Ben's mother, the woman who had taken Rey under her wing? 

Seeing Rey consumed by grief as she was, though, it didn't seem right to grill her about it. All he could think to do was just be there for her, wait for her to say more, and hope to make sense out of it. 

Finn returned with a medic, and immediately sat beside Rey, rubbing her back. _What happened?_ he mouthed to Poe. 

Poe shrugged helplessly, not sure how to answer. _The girl you love is in love with the guy who nearly killed you_ didn't seem like a great way to phrase things.

"Hey, Rey, let's let the medic have a look, all right?" Finn suggested. 

Rey gathered herself together -- barely -- and shook her head. "I'm fine, I'm fine -- I'm just tired. Ben healed me." Her lip trembled at the mention, and she screwed her eyes closed, head bowed. 

"Ben?" Finn Looked to Poe, who shook his head vigorously in warning. She seemed to barely be keeping it together as it was; best not break the dam again. 

"Can I offer you a sedative?" the medic asked Rey. 

Rey looked hopeful. "Will it let me sleep without dreams?" 

"Probably?" the medic shrugged apologetically. Poe sympathised; who knew, when it came to Jedi? 

"Worth a try," Rey decided with a weak smile. 

Finn and Poe helped her back to her quarters, BB-8 trailing behind them and making worried beeps. Once sitting in her cot, Rey downed the sedative and lay back, Finn tucking her in. 

As they opened the door to leave, "Don't go," came her small voice from under the covers. 

Without hesitation, Finn, grabbing an extra blanket from the foot (Rey had once told them she had always been freezing at night on Jakku, and loved blankets more than anything, so they made sure she was well-stocked), stepped up onto the bed and lay on his side, between Rey and the wall. Feeling awkward, like an intruder -- and, honestly, a bit jealous of both of them -- Poe turned to the door, about to bid them goodnight. 

"Well, come on, then," Rey ordered Poe sleepily; he turned and found her patting the other side of the bed. 

A wave of affection washed over Poe as he did as she asked, gratified to be included. They'd been chummy enough before, resting heads in laps and the like, but he'd always assumed she was much closer to Finn, so he was a little surprised at the invitation. Poe might have been exhausted himself, and would have preferred a more comfortable sleeping arrangement than a crowded bed meant for one, but ... well, Rey had saved the galaxy; the least he could do was keep her company. Grabbing another blanket, he settled on his side -- and Rey immediately took his hand, laying it over Finn's, on her stomach. BB-8 settled beside the bed, his electric hum soothing like a lullaby. 

Contentment proved an effective sedative for them all. 

B B B

Anakin's story ended with how, after his death, the ghosts of Ben Kenobi, Yoda, and Anakin's Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, had found him, helping him to retain his sense of self enough to become a Force ghost, much like Leia and Luke had just done for Ben. 

"And as soon as I was strong enough, I worked to similarly distill the soul of my wife, Padme, from the universe." 

"What do you mean?" Ben asked, feeling like this information was vitally important, even if he wasn't sure how. 

"Well, everyone is part of the Force, and to it, we all return. But as you know, only a Jedi can retain their sense of self after death, and not be absorbed into everything again, and so Padme had long since been reabsorbed. At the same time, we don't live our lives for nothing, and so even as a soul rejoins the universe, it brings with it things it learned in life." 

Anakin reached down and picked up a handful of sand and water. "The water is absorbed into the sand, the two creating an environment together, but the water is still capable from being separated from the sand." He separated his hands a little, allowing some water to drip free. He stared closely at the sand in his palms, then dropped half the handful of wet sand back into the pool. "Now, despite having returned the sand to the pool, I can, having studied some of those grains of sand, get those grains _back_." And sure enough, a few grains floated up out of the water, hovering between them. "And so I searched and searched for pieces of Padme. When I had enough, she was then able to help me find the pieces of her I didn't know so well, or even at all." 

Something nagged at Ben. "Did she _want_ you to disturb her peace?" 

Anakin beamed. "It's good that you already take that into consideration! In my case, seeing as I was the reason she had lost her life -- and so had lost her sense of self, her cognizance -- I wanted her to at least have the _chance_ to see her children grown. When I gathered enough of her that she had some understanding of what was happening, I asked her if she wanted me to continue to pull her back together, or to let what I had gathered go, and leave her, as you said, in peace. She chose to have her self back. And she stayed with me wholly for several years, before deciding it was time for her to rejoin the universe. But even then, she opted to stay with me in this small way," he added, holding up his hand, where there was a ring. He cocked his head curiously, as if listening, then nodded. "And so, on an occasion like this, she is able to return when she wishes." 

The form of a woman appeared, slowly, beside Anakin. When her face was clear enough, she smiled a sun-bright smile. "Hello, my daughter, my son, my grandson." 

Leia leapt into her mother's arms first. The look on Luke's face said that he had already had this privilege, having been a Force ghost himself longer than Leia. 

Ben felt another stab of guilt; Luke had died protecting people from Kylo Ren. 

"I know that look," Padme said to Ben. "Your grandfather wore it often when we were first reunited. Come here, son," she commanded, arms open, and Ben obeyed, sitting beside her and letting himself he folded into her embrace. Though she was diminutive in stature, he felt like a child beside her, head resting on her shoulder as she smoothed his hair. "We can feel your shame, and your sense of responsibility. The fact that you feel these things is good -- it means you have Light in you, and that it's stronger than the Dark." 

"I'm sorry that the Dark is there in me at _all_ , much less to the degree it got to," he whispered, tears falling. "How can you even bear to look at me, after all I've done?" 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned, meeting his mother's gaze. "Don't think that there's no darkness in _me_ , Ben. Or in _any_ of us. 

Luke nodded. "One does not choose a side one time, Dark or Light, and then that's that, forever -- we must decide again with _every_ decision -- and few end-results don't have at least little of both. The nature of existence is not pure Light, but rather a balance of Light and Dark, in an endless dance that keeps the universe moving, rather than stagnating. And don't forget that a child does not shape themselves alone -- they are shaped by the examples and teachings of those around them, and by what they go through. All those years ago, I saw the Dark in you overcoming the Light -- but I failed to see that not all of that darkness _originated_ in you, that you were being poisoned by Snoke." 

Ben shook his head. "I was going dark long before that. I ... I resented my parents for their work. How they were always gone. I had ... dark thoughts about what I wanted to happen to the senate, to the _Falcon_ ...." 

Luke laughed heartily. Even Leia and Padme looked to be stifling mirth. Anakin looked sheepish and sympathetic. "Oh, Ben -- do you think you're the only kid in the universe to harbour anger towards their parents for not paying them enough attention?" 

"In _my_ case, you'd had to compete with an entire _galaxy_ for my attention," Leia added ruefully. "And do you think I never fantasised now and then about Force-choking this senator or that? A moment of darkness doesn't make you evil -- it's what you _do_ with that moment that defines you. And even if you do act maliciously in a moment, it doesn't mean you must do so forever more. You aren't defined by that one moment alone." 

Ben shook his head. "I had _many_ Dark moments, Mother." 

"So tell me _your_ story now, just as I told you mine," Anakin gently suggested. 

"We can leave now," Leia suggested. 

"No, you ... you have a right to hear this too, Mother. And you, Uncle, and Grandmother." And so Ben told his story, starting with the farthest-back cruelty he could remember: six years old, making fun of a younger child he felt to be inferior, telling himself he was special because he was the son of Leia Organa, and nephew to Luke Skywalker. There were more moments from his childhood, increasing in both pettiness and cruelty. 

"There's a _reason_ we don't punish children as harshly as adults," Padme remarked as Ben reached his teen years. "It's because they haven't learned all they need to learn to make informed decisions. And with adolescents, their body chemistry is like being on drugs, distorting judgement. It would be unreasonable to expect a child, even a young adult, to be able to make adult decisions." "And it would likewise be unreasonable to not have any empathy for an adult who was manipulated and misled as a child, as we now know Palpatine did to you," Leia weighed in. "He did say that he'd been 'every voice in your head'. I suspect that, in at least a _few_ of those instances you've shown us, he'd already been influencing you." 

"Even if that's true, I was twenty-three when I killed my fellow students -- hardly a child," Ben pointed out morosely. "Old enough to be responsible for my choices. I--" 

"No. Don't tell. _Show_ , like this," Luke instructed. Off a little ways formed a scene: Ben's bedroom, his uncle standing over him, lightsaber raised to strike. And the memory-Luke hesitated, shock and disgust with himself written on his face as he started to lower his blade, peacefully -- but not before Ben awoke, and lashed out in terror, bringing the temple down around them. 

"I failed you as a guardian," Luke finished. "I thought the worst and almost acted on my fear. It's understandable that you would turn to the Dark when someone you loved and trusted seemed about to _kill_ you. I've heard the Dark myself -- it whispers that, with enough power, no one can hurt you. And with someone supposedly on the side of Light, like me, trying to _kill_ you, why should you _trust_ the Light?"

"Show us that night from _your_ side, Ben," Leia coaxed. 

Ben hesitated, not sure they would feel so sympathetic if he showed them. But then again, he reckoned they had a perfect right to withdraw their affections, and so he did as his mother asked. 

"It was an accident," Luke breathed. "All this time, I thought ... but you didn't mean to kill anyone but me, didn't mean to bring the temple down! You didn't even kill the students who atttacked you afterwards!" 

Ben gawked at his uncle. "It's not enough that I tried to kill _you_? That I lost control, and that loss got others killed?" 

Luke sighed. "Look, I'm not saying that it was all perfectly fine, but in regards to me, it was self-defence. As for the others, there is some difference between killing someone on accident, and doing it out of malicious intent. I'd _thought_ you'd done the _latter!_ " 

"You didn't even cause that storm all on your own," Anakin added, looking ill. "I know my old master -- I sensed his presence there. It's like when a parent hold's their child's hand and helps them write their letters. He even added his own power, amplifying the storm!" 

Ben felt his anger rise, and clenched his fists, like the force was a wild tauntaun and he was holding its reins. He screwed his eyes shut, whispering, "Please stop. Stop making excuses for me. I killed _plenty_ of people on my own." 

"Yes, but only after Snoke started brainwashing you in earnest, I'd wager -- when you felt you had nowhere else left to go," Leia insisted. "I know how his kind works. I'm sure he told you that he saw something in you, praised you -- and then slowly convinced you to do worse and worse things. Normalising each step, convincing you your enemies deserved it, dehumanising them and desensitising you ...." 

Well, yes, that did sound familiar, but … Ben suddenly remembered, "Palpatine tried to enlist Rey, and _she_ fought him! _She_ didn't give in!" 

"She also hadn't been fighting against him her whole life," Luke pointed out. "He didn't know her every weakness, every button, because her parents hid her, to keep her safe from all that. And we saw her, Ben -- we were there during the final battle. It wasn't easy for her -- she almost gave in. It took _all_ of us to help her -- while you only had me and your mother, and then _I_ drove you away." 

For some reason, that didn't make Ben feel any better. "I ... I still feel the blood on my hands. I still did all those things -- people still lost their homes, their loved ones, their _lives_ because of me. If you want to forgive me because you love me, that's your prerogative -- and I appreciate it, I do -- but I've no right to ask anyone _else_ for forgiveness." 

Luke signed. "Look, let's say for argument's sake that you're right -- that you are wholly to blame for all your actions -- no extenuating circumstances, nor influence from Palpatine. While it's good that you take responsibility for your past, you can't _change_ it -- you can only learn from it as you move forward. We're just saying, don't think that you're locked into what you once were, that you can't change for the better and do good in the universe _from now on_. And don't think you can't be loved -- _we_ already do. It doesn't serve _anyone_ to not let yourself feel it. Punishing yourself that way won't bring anyone back -- and won't help you help others." 

"Help them how?" he wondered, daring to believe there was a path forward after all. "I'd assume that we're not supposed to interfere with the living?" 

"Eh, you'd more or less be right," Luke hedged. "We can talk about that another time. For now, there are those amongst the _dead_ who could use a hand." 

"Oh? Like who" Ben asked curiously. 

"Like me!" Leia replied cheerfully. "How would you like to see your dad again?" 

(To be continued ...) 


End file.
